Jag lovade sätta ut denna så varsågoda. Antagligen så läser ingen
eftersom den är lång. Jag har inte haft någon att läsa den för korrektur
så vissa fel kan finnas. Men ändå.
Kiss me, Kill me, Love me.
rain drops hit the window and make a small that I listened closely to. I
didn’t know why I just sat there in front of the window and looked out
at the empty street. There was nothing to look at, no people, nothing.
Maybe it was the emptiness that drawed my attention. Could that be the reason I sat there?
It started to get dark. People started to put their lights on.
liked the dark. There was calmness in the dark that you could not find
anywhere else. And it’s a place to hide in. Hide your own feelings.
maybe, but that’s just how I felt. I needed the darkness. I would be
lost without it. But I needed the light too. There wouldn’t exist
darkness without light.
Lonelyness, why does that exist? Who needs it anyway? It’s the longing for someone. The waiting...
I sighed. I couldn’t understand the world. I just wanted to forget everything. Stop thinking. Stop feeling...
My phone started ringing. I sighed again and looked at it. Slowly I made my way to it.
Why was she calling me? Why wasn’t she home yet?
I let it ring even though something inside of me wanted me to answer it. I didn’t want to hear her excuses for not being here.
sat down on the bed and started looking at the door hopeing that she
would come running through it, trying to find words. She didn’t.
I heard footsteps from the other side of the door. A part of me started hopeing again that it would be her.
I stared down at the floor when Alex opened the door.
He just looked at me for a while. Don’t look up. Don’t look up. I looked up and noticed that he had a phone in his hand.
“It’s Hana. She wants to talk to you.”
put the phone on the bed beside me and walked out of the room, leaving
me alone with the phone. I stared at the phone for some seconds. Guess I
had to take it.
I took the phone but didn’t make any
sound. Hana was on the other end, that I knew. I could hear her
breathing. That small sound made me calm. The knowledge of her there
made me calm down and forget my disappointment on her not being here.
bit my lip so that I wouldn’t answer her. The sound of her voice woke
up the longing feeling inside of me. The longing for her. I wont answer. No.
I made a small sound to let her know that I was there.
“Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
She went right to the point. No, small talk. No, I’m sorry I’m not there. No, I miss you.
“I didn’t hear it.”
Hana knew I was lying. I never did leave my phone anywhere. I always had it with me.
didn’t comment on my lie. I could just hear her breathing again. I
sighed. Soon she was going to say it. Say that she was going to stay at a
friends house or at her parents.
“Lilith. I just wanted you to know…” Now she was going to say it. I was right. I knew it.
“…that I’m on my way.”
This was not right! This was not in the script! I couldn’t find any
words. I was in chock. I couldn’t believe what I just had heard. Was I
dreaming? Had I fallen asleep during the time I sat in front of the
I couldn’t find any words. I was in chock. I
couldn’t believe what I just had heard. Was I dreaming? Had I fallen
asleep during the time I sat in front of the window?
“ I’ll be there soon. Bye.”
A small sound told me that she was not there anymore.
She was coming home.
Now I started hearing the voices from the other room. The living room.
The party. My party. Should I go and be the Birthday girl?
I stood up and made my way towards the door with the phone in my hand. I
opened the door and could see all of my friends standing in the room,
talking and laughing. Having fun.
“Is she coming?” Alex asked when he noticed me.
I just nodded. My words were lost and I couldn’t find them.
She was coming. She had always missed my birthday, but now she was coming.
sat down on the sofa and someone gave me a drink. Probably some
alcohol. Defiantly alcohol. I drank it and asked someone to give me
more. Alex looked at me with concern. He knew what could happen if I got
to much alcohol. He has seen it .
I didn’t care about him. I needed a drink.
doorbell rang after a while and of course everyone was waiting for me
to go and open. I wanted to scream that I wasn’t five years old, but I
didn’t. The doorbell sounded again and I stood up.
I made my way to the front door and opened it.
She stood there in front of me smiling brightly. I had to look like a fish.
“Happy birthday.” She hugged me quickly and I took a step back to let her in.
I had almost forgot that she was coming. My feelings were having war with each other and I couldn’t make any sense out of them.
For a while I just stood there looking at her. She was so beautiful. An angel on earth.
“Lil? Are you okay?”
I could see the concern in her eyes.
nodded and smiled to tell her yes. Maybe I was lying a bit but I just
didn’t want to see her so concerned. I wanted her to be happy and smile.
made her way to the living room where everyone were waiting to know who
had come. I didn’t follow her, not right then anyway. I just stood
there and starred after her. I was happy. I should have been that. Why
did something feel so wrong? Everything was perfect.
shook my head and followed Hana to the living room where she was
standing and talking to Alex. I felt a weird feeling ran through my body
and mind. Jealous. Shame on me.
There was no reason for me to be jealous. I knew that. But still…
was looking at me and I met her gaze. She made her way through the room
towards me. I got the want to run away. Hide. But it was like I were
glued to the floor. I couldn’t move. The feeling of something being
wrong came back. I couldn’t breath.
“Lil. We need to talk.”
took my hand and lead me to the room where I had been sitting. Hana
closed the door behind us. I was biting my lip. Let us say that it’s a
bad habit I can’t get rid of.
“I have something important to tell you, but first…”
put a hand on my shoulder and kissed me on the lips. A sweet taste
filled my mouth . I kissed her back. This was real. I put my arms around
her and pulled her against myself.
She pulled away.
“Sit down.” She sounded serious.
I sat down on the bed and looked at her. She wasn’t looking at me. She was looking at everything else. Something was wrong.
“I’ve been offered a job…”
Now she looked at me.
“That’s great.” I thought that was what she wanted me to say.
She nodded. “It’s a really great job..” She started biting on her lip. She swallowed.
“It’s in Paris.”
I starred at her. She couldn’t be serious. I couldn’t breath again. There was something blocking the way.
“No.” I looked down at the floor. “No.”
wanted to hear her say that she was not going to take the job, but
inside I knew that she was not going to say it. She wouldn’t have told
me if that was the case.
I couldn’t stay there so I stood up, took my phone and the car keys.
Hana screamed after me but I didn’t stop. I ran out and in to the car. The car started and I backed it out of the driveway.
I didn’t know where I was going just that I couldn’t stay there.
Tears ran down my cheeks and I did nothing to stop them.
Hana was going to move to Paris. No.
She was calling me but I didn’t answer. There was nothing she could say that would make it different or better.
Alex. Hana. Alex. Hana and someone else from the party.
I didn’t answer.
Where was I?
I dead? No I wasn’t, I could feel pain and hear someone talking far
away. I didn’t open my eyes. I didn’t have the strength for that.
I could feel someone take my hand. A soft hand.
“Lil. If you can hear me. I’m sorry.”
Hana. I could hear that she was crying. I wanted to cry.
“Please Lil. Wake up.”
No. I want todie.
Slowly I opened my eyes. Hana was now looking at the floor. She was tired. I could see that.
“Lil. Thank God!” She hugged me and almost killed me at the same time. “I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.”
I smiled tiredly. “No, it’s mine.”
Hana looked at me.
should have stopped you. You didn’t let me finish. I want you with me. I
can’t live without you. I almost lost you and for the second I thought I
had, I couldn’t breath.”
I starred at her. She wanted me with her to Paris.
“I love you, Hana.”
“I love you, Lil.”